It's almost one month since holidays started but till now I'm still unemployed. Initially was busy with holidays and fun and when I finally decided to find a job, found that good and high paying jobs are hard to get. Perhaps I was just being choosy, as I only applied for jobs with pay $7 and above, as I felt that I'm giving myself up for exploitation if I accept jobs with lower pay. At this current rate, it is highly likely that I will stay unemployed till school starts.
So what is this unemployed person gonna do for the next three months? For now, the MAS-ESS competition is my main source of 'entertainment'. This 3000-4000 essay is much harder than I originally expected and the research that I have done is overwhelming. And with around 2weeks left or so, I'm only halfway through my essay, so for next week got to work even harder and hopefully I can complete the entire essay by next week. Other than typing the essay, for the rest of the time, I will try go out when possible. If I have to stay at home, then it's dota, sleep and a lot of emo-ing.
So during the prolonged period of emo-ing, a lot of ideas and emotions came into my mind. Since I do not have a diary, perhaps it's a good idea to share some of my thoughts here.
On emo-ing:
I realise that I have been emo-ing too much for my own good. I start to wonder why is it that I will only feel sian when I was alone in the past, but now with more people to talk to, I actually feel emptiness and urge to talk to somebody when I'm alone. Is it just that because I have more to lose compared to the past that's why I felt insecure and start to imagine stuff?
On dependency:
I do not know whether I should be sad or happy to admit that I have lost most of my emotional strength in the past year or so, because it will mean I have become more human, but it also means that I will get sad and affected rather easily. For the first twenty years of my life I was rather self-sufficient emotionally but things start to change when I began to grew dependent on others and others may be slightly dependent on you. Yet dependency is another double-edged sword. Realising that others have grown less dependent on you and unable to depend on someone you are highly dependent on is probably the worst feelings you can have.
On friendship:
Enjoyed all the times spent with friends and after becoming more human I began to know my friends better too. I feel disgusted and sad linking 'turnover rate' and 'friends' but have to admit that a relationship exist between the two. Perhaps a friend is like a can which comes with an expiry date, finite or infinite. Sometimes you just left a can on a shelf for a long time and the next time you feel like eating the food in the can, it has passed the expiry date. I.e. you might miss that friend but just do not know how to go about contacting him or her again.
On love:
Somehow I feel that I'm always either meeting the wrong person at the right time, or the right person at the wrong time, so there is no happy ending. But pondering on it, is there this thing known as 'the right person' or 'the right time'? Or does happy ending just happens between any people at any time?
Shall not continue with more depressing stuff. So far it's already so many questions I have asked myself but no answer to it. The only solution is probably to keep me occupied so that I will not think of all these stuff.
